


Readys Playman Win

by Mark_Shirushi



Category: Ready Player One - Ernest Cline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25239373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mark_Shirushi/pseuds/Mark_Shirushi
Summary: Ready Player One, but shorter and way more le epics!!!!!!
Kudos: 2





	Readys Playman Win

Hey fellow gamers, the name`s Wade, but you can call me Renewade5000. I`m just your typical teenager who just so happens to be the greatest hero the virtual world has ever seen. I`m also pretty rich and am currently in possession of a games-as-a-service company I have no idea how to run; upping my net worth to some stupidly-bug number that would literally make you sick! I`ve been through some pretty meme-worthy stuff in my time, but what I`m about to tell you is a tale so epic that you`ll be spit-taking your Mountain Dew and saying `bruh` every sentence of the way. So, what are we waiting for? Let`s game on!

So, it all began in the OASIS. One day, I logged in and started chilling in a server that was designed to look like the Moloko Milk Bar from _A Clockwork Orange_ \- directed by Stanley Kubrick, based off of a book by Anthony Burgress with key set design carried out by John Barry, released in 1971 to a wide audience but then largely banned at the behest of Kubrick himself. It`s not quite as cool as the sweet Robocop server I usually chillax in, with super epic 80`s nostalgia decorations like an E.T. statue, a replica of the Deloreon and a shrine chronicalling the life and times of Jeffry Dahmer. That server has a 12-player limit and my premium membership ran out two nights ago when my secret second stepdad confiscated my American Express card after discovering my Amazon bulk order of vintage Karate Kid branded sippy cups, so I had to make do with what was available. The Moloko bar sold Milk Plus, Milk Plus Vellocet, or Synthemesc or Drencrum, which is really funny because that`s exactly what Alex DeLarge says at the beginning of the movie _A Clockwork Orange_ (if you`ve seen that movie and remember the beginning scene where they`re all in that milk bar then you probs get that reference and are laughing *bro high five*).

  
I lol`d happily to myself while downing my fake milk and pointing at the milk menu with both arms and asking the other two people in the server if they spotted the really funny and clever reference that I had spotted. They couldn`t understand me because I was RPing as a guy with a butt-load of milk in his mouth, so they just told me to go away and shut up. Classic - they don`t get the reference and feel inferior to me so they resort to name-calling. Truly typical. The wall-punchers hear the sounds of a man of intellect and culture and begin to lash out. I ordered another milky-moo with my remaining Munnybits and relished in my victory over the plebs. I was almost tempted to tip my hat at them, but then I remembered that I wasn`t wearing my regular gender-swapped Carmen Sandiego skin anymore.

Before Wednesday-Dad took my card away, I put some serious coin towards one of the most truly epic skins available on the OASIS. Lots of amazing skin packs got released first thing Monday morning, so naturally I skipped Class Planet to go see what I could make. Spoiler alert - what I made was the most epicest skin combo yet to grace the server. The main body of my avatar was now Yaoyorozu from _My Hero Academia_ in her hero costume, with even fatter tits than she had in either the manga or the anime. Her legs were pretty boring though, so I replaced each shin with a stack of eight Baconators from the Wendy`s DLC pack. The left arm was now a 1/4 scale statuette of Frank Deckard from _Blade Runner_ and the right arm was now the sledgehammer that Annie Wilkes uses to break Paul Sheldon`s legs in _Misery_. But all of this was small fry compared to the helmet I bought. The lion`s share of my Munnybit balance went towards a photo-realistic full-head mask of former Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime. The helmet was made even more epic-sauce with the inclusion of a sound effect. Now, everytime I adopt a horsestance my avatar will say "My body is ready", and then _Gangnam Style_ in it`s entirety will play. You have to maintain the horsestance in order to play the whole sound without risking a soft-lock on your computer, but it`s absolutely worth it. The only other thing my balance could afford after all of that was a tattoo of O`Malley the alley cat from the Disney film _The Aristocats_ , which I naturally put on my avatar`s inner thigh. Sitting in the bar, with all my parts, I felt like the world`s most fuckable manticore! I dabbed my Frank and hammer before beginning my next glass of white textures and particle effects.

  
The other two users didn`t even have a whiff of a meme about them. One of them was just Goku. Plain old, boring old Goku. A fully clothed Goku no less. What kind of run-of-the-mill, milquetoast, monochromatic snooze-lords are these admins letting into their server? The other guy was a little bit more creative, sporting a skin with Marge Simpson`s face deep faked onto Lois Griffin`s body in an Abercrombie and Fitch two-piece. I got kicked out of an Abercrombie and Fitch once. They said it was because I had halitosis, but I don`t even like halitosis. I always tell the people at Subway to keep that Mexican shit away from my BLT. Recalling this time made me super angry at Abercrombie and Fitch and, by extension, this user, so I started screaming really loudly at them; stopping periodically to call them a fascist. They couldn`t respond back over the sound of my screams, so they`re side of the debate was rendered moot and I won yet another exchange. Embarrassed and intimidated by my presence, the Lois-Marge and Goku left the server shortly thereafter. They even deleted my friend requests. Some people just don`t know how to be social on this platform.

A little time passed as I tried out my Reggie emote and worked on my dab quota for that day alone in the server, when from across the room I saw a giant copy of _Sly Cooper: Thieves in Time_ for the PS3 appear on the far end of the Moloko Milk Bar. I immediately recognised this as my good friend Karagegao69. He caught me halfway through a Dougie emote and screamed "RENAWADE!!" before running full sprint towards me. The avatar wasn`t the best in the world, the corners of the game box acted as his limbs, so it looked like a gelatin monolith was shambling at high-speed, before coming to a stop and messily reforming in front of me.  
"Hey Renewade, did you hear about Halliday?" said Karagegao, a little out of breath. The mouth of the avatar had been bound incorrectly, so it looked like I was being spoken to by Sly Cooper`s right knee.  
"Yes, I`ve heard everything about Halliday. I know everything there is to know about Halliday. I even managed to pinpoint the location where he got arrested for sexual exhibitionism during the Clinton Years. He was outside a Dennys in Toledo, Ohio I believe".  
"Oh yeah?" quizzed Karagegao, interrupting my remarkably interesting fact about Halliday. "Well did you know that he`s fucking dead?!". I looked at him for a moment and then scoffed.  
"Yeah, sure he did." I said in a hilarious, sarcastic manner. "He`s died about six times now by my count. One website claimed he died from haddock poisoning four years ago. What bullshit lie has the media cooked up this time?". The wobbly boxart stood quietly for a moment. He reached a box corner over and placed it on my shoulder.  
"You really don`t know?" he said, much softer now. "Renewade, I think you had better come with me. There`s a server we should go to."  
A "Join Group" notification appeared above my head. He wanted to take me to a different server, but when I clicked the join group notification my computer froze, and I had to do a hard reboot. About 12 minutes later I had managed to get back into the game and had yet another join notification from Karagegao. I clicked it and it did this weird sound-skip loop thing for about 30 seconds or so, but eventually it responded and put me into the OASIS server where Karagegao was. I spawned into existence in front of Karagegao, whose avatar was doing some sort of weird bowing motion. His Sly Cooper box gestured for me to turn around and when I did, I saw it.  
`RIP JAMES HALLIDAY 1967 - 2020 - "Gremlins is the best movie ever made and you can write that shit on my grave!!! Fuck you, Dennis!!"` written on a huge billboard above a H-shaped coffin.

Karagegao was right. That morning, Halliday had died from an acute heart attack while attempting to pass a kidney stone. The housekeeper called an ambulance to try and save his life, but he was declared dead shortly after reaching the hospital. She said that his last words were "Fuck me running!". I stood in stunned disbelief. This server was full of people doing the same. Out the corner of my eye I could see the field of Crash Bandicoots, Jotaros, Nano Shinonomes and at least one Patty Mayonnaise. Murmurs of sadness washed over the vast textureless plain like a wave, with many people sharing condolences, shedding tears, and a handful of people shouting the N-word (those guys got permabanned). The wave of melancholy travelled up to me until I was drowning in the collective misery of my peers. My emotions overwhelmed me and I began to cry the hardest that I have cried in weeks. Karagegao started to do a funny _Fortnite_ dance to try and cheer me up, but it was no use. The tears streamed down my face and passed my VR headset, down my Sans Undertale t-shirt and onto my cargo shorts, which hid the fact that I had also wet myself. I took the headset off to wipe my tears and as i did a faint voice came from the speaker.  
"Hey, how`s it goin`? It`s ya boy Halladay!"

  
I immediately recognised that voice. How could I not? I`ve heard it a million times in interviews, diss tracks and OnlyFans subscriber specials. I hurriedly stuffed my swollen head back into the VR headset to see that the sign now had a giant screen in front of it. On the screen was none other than James Halliday - wringing his hands and doing a fuccboi laugh.  
"So hey! If y`all are seein` this then it means I`m dead! I know - super sad times! Ay yo, let`s get #hallidaypassedaway trending!!"  
After that, he started C-walking for like a solid hour. It was spectacular. Once he had finished schooling us, he wiped his brow clean with a Stephen King limited edition flannel and began what might be the most important speech of our time.  
"Now that I`m dead, I`m gonna need a new cool dude to carry on my sick OASIS tricks and run my company - Willy Wonka style!" As he fuccboi laughed some more, the background of his room was revealed to be a greenscreen, which then became the Chocolate Room from the 1971 _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_ film adaption. Man, 1971 was a good year for films.  
"My life`s work can be yours, home-slice! All I need y`all to do is put together the secret password and enter it in the chat. I`ve hidden each letter of my super-special, super-secret…". Naturally as soon as i heard this I took my headset off and went onto my desktop PC to analyse the games files. I clicked the tab at the top of File Explorer that lets you organise everything by date and found the folder with the most recent edits. The most recent file there was just a .txt file with the word "RATCHAT" written in it. Once more, I squeezed my dumb head back into the headset and typed "RATCHAT" in the chat box.

And that`s the story of how I became the Ready Player One!


End file.
